Life

Holy shit.
I haven't wrote on here since June.
I don't even remember what happened in June...

But, as fast as my summer went by
It also feels like every day has been a year, especially recently
I feel like a different person every. single. day.

In the beginning of summer
everything was constant.
I had the same outlook for months.
And then this...

It's like being on a rollercoaster
But I finally decided to get off.
Just because something makes you happy sometimes
Doesn't mean it's worth it in the end.
It's almost like I was faking myself out.
But I knew I was setting myself up to fail.

Once again, I'm still learning.
I always, for some reason, expect that I'm finished learning
but then again and again I'm proven wrong.

Now I'm sitting here wondering what's in store for me
What's next?
Bring it on, I'm ready.

06/28/10

I haven't written in a while
I've been keeping pretty busy this summer

I've been working on getting over things.
Or at least not thinking about them so much
At one point I came to the conclusion that I like to torture myself
by thinking about dates and memories and just everything that reminds me of certain people and I don't understand why I do that to myself.
You see, I'm such a girl in that way
I make it impossible for myself to forget
But I've been working on changing that and it appears to be working
And I've been happy :)

Unfortunately I still have dreams that make me feel otherwise.
However I have something I would like to document
Because I've even made progress in my subconscious state of mind!

First, I had a dream that I messed up on my taxes and I got like $600 back so I could buy a laptop. Now that dream was just straight up rude!

And then right after I had a dream that I was with a certain person, not going to say the name. I was with them and I was like,"When did you get home?" And they didn't really answer that question. Instead they said,"I'm home for good now, I couldn't stand not being with you anymore." Typically, this dream would make me cry. I can't lie, even in the dream I hesitated and basically confessed that I wanted to but I was too hurt to ever trust them again. BUT HERE'S WHERE IT GETS GOOD. Even in my dream, I thought about the person I like right now. And even though I may not even have a chance with them, it was enough for me to be like... I can't be with you, because I have to live and see what happens with other people.

If you know anything about me, you would know that I think about my past too much.
But now I can say that I DID think about my past too much,
but now I finally fucking see that my future holds so much more for me.
Even if I don't find it for a while
my subconscious knows I can't go back.
I have to keep moving forward.

I just needed to document this.
As small of an accomplishment this may seem to you,
it is HUGE to me.

I'd like to end with this.

Although you may never completely get over people you've loved, you can keep them in your heart forever. Just don't let it ruin the love you have for someone new <3

Home sick

What am I to do when I feel home sick
when I'm sitting at home?

Everything is so fragile

didn't you realize that?

I've randomly become obsessed with Skins again, mostly because of Naomi/Emily
As pathetic as it is, this episode broke my heart.
It hurts to watch because it makes me feel the way I did when I was hurt
But hey... at least THEY end up together in the end!

(If you want to watch this, I only intended it to be the first 4 minutes)

We were special

You won't find love in a, won't find love in a hole

It takes more than fucking someone
to keep yourself warm.

Even though this song may be horrible to you,
it's a part of my past and therefore I like it.
It took me a while to listen to it again
but then I started singing it today in the shower

It inspired me to write this blog.
It made me think and realize some things:

1. I used to train myself to become obsessed with things. Even things I knew were bad, or things I knew I'd regret. I'm talking things as big as people, to things as small as listening to a song they liked over and over. As hard as its been, I'm glad I learned not to do this.

2. I have standards. I'm not the type to go from person to person to make myself feel special. I have learned to be alone. I actually kind of like it right now. Like... it's best that I don't find someone. It will happen when the time is right, and that isn't now... and maybe it won't be for a while. But I refuse to settle for something less than I deserve.

This song just makes me think of all the people who are too weak to be alone when they should be. I used to be one of them. But here I am, I taught myself that I am stronger when I'm alone. I feel sorry for the people who feel like they need someone all the time to feel important.

For now, I've got all the blankies in the world to keep myself warm :)

Tegan and Sara

I'm forever your fan.
Thank you for inspiring me in more ways than one
I hope to see you this summer!!
Here are 4 of my favorites of theirs:


Call It Off


The Ocean


This has always been my favorite... ignore the mullets! Dark Come Soon


Feel it in my Bones


And on another very side note: I think this is the most adorable thing in the world and I miss Skins (just watch the beginning part)

The Weekend

Yesterday was much needed!
Got out of the Eagan/Burnsville/Savage area
Did a ton of things I really enjoy doing :)
I don't really want all my posts to be lists of things I do, however too much funny shit happened and I don't want to forget it

1) Went to the zoo with Tyler, Emily, and Anthony
I've wanted to do that for so long!!

2) Went to Cosetta's... YUMMMMMMMM

3) Went to da park and talked under a beautiful tree :)
Also generated millions of brilliant ideas for True Life episodes
True Life: I'm Stranded on this beach
True Life: I have hands

4) Went to the fountains

5) Went for another walk

6) Went to Tori's and played Apples to Apples
Conclusion: it is more fun when you have to argue why you put that card down. My favorite answers were my beanie baby being dead answer, Barbara Walters, and Celine Dion's dangerous arms. Apparently Tyler is really upset about rust on metal. Bahahaha we were laughing so hard, it was a wonderful time :)

Lastly, I'd like to thank Drake for dedicating his song You da Best to Anne Frank... however I don't think I can forgive him for the whistle incident... he totally gave her position away. Hahahah we aren't horrible people or anything =p

I want every day of my summer to be as much fun as yesterday was :)

Busy busy busy

Ahhh I haven't wrote on here in a couple days
I've been such a busy lady!!
Tomorrow is the last day of classes
Then I have 2 finals on Tuesday and Wednesday
Then BAM, it's summertime :)

I guess I'm posting this just to remind myself something:
I'm not ready to fall for anyone.
I'm not ready.
That would ruin everything.
It's okay to be alone right now :)
YOU NEED IT.
Cuddling with a pillow is sufficient enough for the time being =p

Okay, now that that is over with...

Ummmm what else?

My plans once school is over:
-start seeing a therapist
-read Eclipse
-live in the moment
-make smart choices with positive impacts

I'm sure this list will get much longer...
but here's to beginnings!

Okay, I don't even remember deciding to write this...
I need sleeps now :)

<3 I've never felt so free <3

Ellie Goulding - Guns And Horses

Even though I don't really enjoy any of her other songs, I REALLY like this one. It grew on me. When I listen to it, nothing really comes to mind... I just like to sing it and I want to dance the way Ellie Goulding does during the chorus :) She's so adorable at 2:12!!

About to go take my first final... have I mentioned how excited I am for school to be over?! ;)

Beautiful days

Today is Mother's Day!
It's gorgeous outside
I get to spend time with my family
which is always full of good laughs :)
Oh... and there's a Twins game on this afternoon too!

Maybe my life is different.
So different that I don't know what to expect
But that makes me happy
Life is boring when you know what's going to happen next week
and the week after that
and on and on.
Unpredictable life is fun.

I've been keeping busy and enjoying myself
I wish I could laugh forever
That's the best feeling :)
Ahhh and it's almost summer!!
I want to have picnics
and sunny days where I lay outside in the grass and watch the clouds

Enjoy the simple things
Be thankful for what you have
Don't focus on the bad.
I want to be more of a glass half full kind of person :)

The perfect medicine

On a rainy day, laughter with the people who will always be there for you is the perfect medicine

If I spent time with you today, I really appreciate your existence and thanks for making me smile :)

P.S. rain go away!! I have 4 more days off and I would enjoy to spend some time outside in the sun

Not going to lie... I'm REALLY excited for cosmic bingo tomorrow!

Family

I just wanted to mention something
considering it's almost mothers day

I don't know where the fuck I would be in this world without my mom.
I need to stop being such a downer and realize
I have a hero.
I have someone to look up to every single day
Someone who will never abandon me.
It scares the fuck out of me to think about losing her.
It's one of those things I just can't wrap my mind around
Imagining my life without her in it is my biggest fear.
I'm so happy her health is doing better for the time being.
I wish I could just have a healthy mom.
If you have that, never take it for advantage.
My biggest wish is that one day she will be able to live normally.
She deserves that much.

I wouldn't be Casey without my entire family.
No matter what, they'll always be here for me.
I need to acknowledge that more and appreciate them for that.
I love them to the moon and back.

I'd also like to take a second and hope that Theresa's friend Amie, who's in the hospital, is doing okay <3

My heart is pounding

After all this time
how can you still have this effect on me?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

I wonder if...

in 5 years
I'll look back at my life now and mock myself.
That's what I do when I look back on the old me
I wonder if I'll even remember being this way
or even notice how I've changed...
how I've grown up.

My whole life I've been trying to create this person with potential.
I honestly think I'm getting there
I may have taken the scenic route,
but I believe in myself.
I believe I have all the motivation and strength to accomplish anything realistic that I desire.

Nothing can hold me back now.
I see the world through clear eyes.

I can't wait to find you.
When I do, none of this will matter :)

I don't know how long I can keep pretending anymore

I feel so small.
So Empty.
So useless.
So alone.
So weak.

I never saw it coming to this
Doing the right thing is hard.
Especially when a part of you doesn't want to.

I don't think anyone will ever understand
just how hard this is on me.

Letting go.
I'm on my own.
Wondering
Where did you go?

I refuse to lie to please
You’ll be blind without me.
You let yourself go.
You’re on your own.

In a way this counteracts my last post…

05/01/2010

First of all…

Today is the start of the most wonderful month of the school year: May.
Summer is almost already here.
I am beyond ready for this.
One more year of hard work down.
Pretty proud of myself… can’t lie.
This year has been my biggest struggle so far.
Not only in school… but pretty much every aspect.
But check me out, I still have a positive attitude 8)

I decided no matter what has happened in the past, it can never be erased.
I can never undo what has been done.
I will never forget.
But the funny thing is that I don’t want to.
Maybe you never get over some things
But rather you’re just forced to move on
Even if the thoughts are burned in the back of your mind.

I feel like I should have more hate.
I feel like I’m too forgiving
Even I don’t understand why.
But no matter what, I care.
Nothing will ever stop me.

You can do no wrong in my eyes

Maybe that makes me crazy
and naive.
Whatever it makes me,
thats who I am.
And I’m not going to change to fit your mold.
I’ll do things my way.
Even if sometimes it ends up hurting me.

Note to self:
I’d rather experience and feel things than be numb.

This post was inspired by the song Hearing Damage by Thom Yorke

04/30/2010

Today Today Today…

I got my hair cut
and while I was sitting in the chair
La Roux - I’m Not Your Toy came on
Little things like this make my day

I don’t need much to make me happy.

Now, I can smile even when I’m all alone :)

Tonight Tonight Tonight…

I’m going speed dating…
should be interesting!

I enjoy pushing myself to do new things.
I decided I hate being predictable.

Here’s to a future full of I don’t know whats =D

then & NOW

I used to think I knew who I was.
I thought I had my life figured out.
But, just when life gets too comfortable,
everything falls apart.

I’m not dwelling on that anymore.
Instead, I’m choosing to learn from it.
Build a new person.
A new me.
Emotional, yet strong.
Ready for whatever happens.
You never know when life will throw you a curve ball.

Instead of crumbling to the ground,
take that as an advantage to learn and grow.
Life with no experience is no life at all.
One can only truly experience happiness if they’ve also experienced pain.

Times like these aren’t easy,
but they say that these are the times you learn the most about who you are.
All I know is I see things differently now.
I’m thinking that’s a positive outcome.

I don’t know who I am anymore
and that’s okay.