Holy shit.
I haven't wrote on here since June.
I don't even remember what happened in June...
But, as fast as my summer went by
It also feels like every day has been a year, especially recently
I feel like a different person every. single. day.
In the beginning of summer
everything was constant.
I had the same outlook for months.
And then this...
It's like being on a rollercoaster
But I finally decided to get off.
Just because something makes you happy sometimes
Doesn't mean it's worth it in the end.
It's almost like I was faking myself out.
But I knew I was setting myself up to fail.
Once again, I'm still learning.
I always, for some reason, expect that I'm finished learning
but then again and again I'm proven wrong.
Now I'm sitting here wondering what's in store for me
What's next?
Bring it on, I'm ready.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
06/28/10
I haven't written in a while
I've been keeping pretty busy this summer
I've been working on getting over things.
Or at least not thinking about them so much
At one point I came to the conclusion that I like to torture myself
by thinking about dates and memories and just everything that reminds me of certain people and I don't understand why I do that to myself.
You see, I'm such a girl in that way
I make it impossible for myself to forget
But I've been working on changing that and it appears to be working
And I've been happy :)
Unfortunately I still have dreams that make me feel otherwise.
However I have something I would like to document
Because I've even made progress in my subconscious state of mind!
First, I had a dream that I messed up on my taxes and I got like $600 back so I could buy a laptop. Now that dream was just straight up rude!
And then right after I had a dream that I was with a certain person, not going to say the name. I was with them and I was like,"When did you get home?" And they didn't really answer that question. Instead they said,"I'm home for good now, I couldn't stand not being with you anymore." Typically, this dream would make me cry. I can't lie, even in the dream I hesitated and basically confessed that I wanted to but I was too hurt to ever trust them again. BUT HERE'S WHERE IT GETS GOOD. Even in my dream, I thought about the person I like right now. And even though I may not even have a chance with them, it was enough for me to be like... I can't be with you, because I have to live and see what happens with other people.
If you know anything about me, you would know that I think about my past too much.
But now I can say that I DID think about my past too much,
but now I finally fucking see that my future holds so much more for me.
Even if I don't find it for a while
my subconscious knows I can't go back.
I have to keep moving forward.
I just needed to document this.
As small of an accomplishment this may seem to you,
it is HUGE to me.
I'd like to end with this.
Although you may never completely get over people you've loved, you can keep them in your heart forever. Just don't let it ruin the love you have for someone new <3
I've been keeping pretty busy this summer
I've been working on getting over things.
Or at least not thinking about them so much
At one point I came to the conclusion that I like to torture myself
by thinking about dates and memories and just everything that reminds me of certain people and I don't understand why I do that to myself.
You see, I'm such a girl in that way
I make it impossible for myself to forget
But I've been working on changing that and it appears to be working
And I've been happy :)
Unfortunately I still have dreams that make me feel otherwise.
However I have something I would like to document
Because I've even made progress in my subconscious state of mind!
First, I had a dream that I messed up on my taxes and I got like $600 back so I could buy a laptop. Now that dream was just straight up rude!
And then right after I had a dream that I was with a certain person, not going to say the name. I was with them and I was like,"When did you get home?" And they didn't really answer that question. Instead they said,"I'm home for good now, I couldn't stand not being with you anymore." Typically, this dream would make me cry. I can't lie, even in the dream I hesitated and basically confessed that I wanted to but I was too hurt to ever trust them again. BUT HERE'S WHERE IT GETS GOOD. Even in my dream, I thought about the person I like right now. And even though I may not even have a chance with them, it was enough for me to be like... I can't be with you, because I have to live and see what happens with other people.
If you know anything about me, you would know that I think about my past too much.
But now I can say that I DID think about my past too much,
but now I finally fucking see that my future holds so much more for me.
Even if I don't find it for a while
my subconscious knows I can't go back.
I have to keep moving forward.
I just needed to document this.
As small of an accomplishment this may seem to you,
it is HUGE to me.
I'd like to end with this.
Although you may never completely get over people you've loved, you can keep them in your heart forever. Just don't let it ruin the love you have for someone new <3
Monday, May 24, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Everything is so fragile
didn't you realize that?
I've randomly become obsessed with Skins again, mostly because of Naomi/Emily
As pathetic as it is, this episode broke my heart.
It hurts to watch because it makes me feel the way I did when I was hurt
But hey... at least THEY end up together in the end!
(If you want to watch this, I only intended it to be the first 4 minutes)
We were special
I've randomly become obsessed with Skins again, mostly because of Naomi/Emily
As pathetic as it is, this episode broke my heart.
It hurts to watch because it makes me feel the way I did when I was hurt
But hey... at least THEY end up together in the end!
(If you want to watch this, I only intended it to be the first 4 minutes)
We were special
Monday, May 17, 2010
You won't find love in a, won't find love in a hole
It takes more than fucking someone
to keep yourself warm.
Even though this song may be horrible to you,
it's a part of my past and therefore I like it.
It took me a while to listen to it again
but then I started singing it today in the shower
It inspired me to write this blog.
It made me think and realize some things:
1. I used to train myself to become obsessed with things. Even things I knew were bad, or things I knew I'd regret. I'm talking things as big as people, to things as small as listening to a song they liked over and over. As hard as its been, I'm glad I learned not to do this.
2. I have standards. I'm not the type to go from person to person to make myself feel special. I have learned to be alone. I actually kind of like it right now. Like... it's best that I don't find someone. It will happen when the time is right, and that isn't now... and maybe it won't be for a while. But I refuse to settle for something less than I deserve.
This song just makes me think of all the people who are too weak to be alone when they should be. I used to be one of them. But here I am, I taught myself that I am stronger when I'm alone. I feel sorry for the people who feel like they need someone all the time to feel important.
For now, I've got all the blankies in the world to keep myself warm :)
to keep yourself warm.
Even though this song may be horrible to you,
it's a part of my past and therefore I like it.
It took me a while to listen to it again
but then I started singing it today in the shower
It inspired me to write this blog.
It made me think and realize some things:
1. I used to train myself to become obsessed with things. Even things I knew were bad, or things I knew I'd regret. I'm talking things as big as people, to things as small as listening to a song they liked over and over. As hard as its been, I'm glad I learned not to do this.
2. I have standards. I'm not the type to go from person to person to make myself feel special. I have learned to be alone. I actually kind of like it right now. Like... it's best that I don't find someone. It will happen when the time is right, and that isn't now... and maybe it won't be for a while. But I refuse to settle for something less than I deserve.
This song just makes me think of all the people who are too weak to be alone when they should be. I used to be one of them. But here I am, I taught myself that I am stronger when I'm alone. I feel sorry for the people who feel like they need someone all the time to feel important.
For now, I've got all the blankies in the world to keep myself warm :)
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Tegan and Sara
I'm forever your fan.
Thank you for inspiring me in more ways than one
I hope to see you this summer!!
Here are 4 of my favorites of theirs:
Call It Off
The Ocean
This has always been my favorite... ignore the mullets! Dark Come Soon
Feel it in my Bones
And on another very side note: I think this is the most adorable thing in the world and I miss Skins (just watch the beginning part)
Thank you for inspiring me in more ways than one
I hope to see you this summer!!
Here are 4 of my favorites of theirs:
Call It Off
The Ocean
This has always been my favorite... ignore the mullets! Dark Come Soon
Feel it in my Bones
And on another very side note: I think this is the most adorable thing in the world and I miss Skins (just watch the beginning part)
The Weekend
Yesterday was much needed!
Got out of the Eagan/Burnsville/Savage area
Did a ton of things I really enjoy doing :)
I don't really want all my posts to be lists of things I do, however too much funny shit happened and I don't want to forget it
1) Went to the zoo with Tyler, Emily, and Anthony
I've wanted to do that for so long!!
2) Went to Cosetta's... YUMMMMMMMM
3) Went to da park and talked under a beautiful tree :)
Also generated millions of brilliant ideas for True Life episodes
True Life: I'm Stranded on this beach
True Life: I have hands
4) Went to the fountains
5) Went for another walk
6) Went to Tori's and played Apples to Apples
Conclusion: it is more fun when you have to argue why you put that card down. My favorite answers were my beanie baby being dead answer, Barbara Walters, and Celine Dion's dangerous arms. Apparently Tyler is really upset about rust on metal. Bahahaha we were laughing so hard, it was a wonderful time :)
Lastly, I'd like to thank Drake for dedicating his song You da Best to Anne Frank... however I don't think I can forgive him for the whistle incident... he totally gave her position away. Hahahah we aren't horrible people or anything =p
I want every day of my summer to be as much fun as yesterday was :)
Got out of the Eagan/Burnsville/Savage area
Did a ton of things I really enjoy doing :)
I don't really want all my posts to be lists of things I do, however too much funny shit happened and I don't want to forget it
1) Went to the zoo with Tyler, Emily, and Anthony
I've wanted to do that for so long!!
2) Went to Cosetta's... YUMMMMMMMM
3) Went to da park and talked under a beautiful tree :)
Also generated millions of brilliant ideas for True Life episodes
True Life: I'm Stranded on this beach
True Life: I have hands
4) Went to the fountains
5) Went for another walk
6) Went to Tori's and played Apples to Apples
Conclusion: it is more fun when you have to argue why you put that card down. My favorite answers were my beanie baby being dead answer, Barbara Walters, and Celine Dion's dangerous arms. Apparently Tyler is really upset about rust on metal. Bahahaha we were laughing so hard, it was a wonderful time :)
Lastly, I'd like to thank Drake for dedicating his song You da Best to Anne Frank... however I don't think I can forgive him for the whistle incident... he totally gave her position away. Hahahah we aren't horrible people or anything =p
I want every day of my summer to be as much fun as yesterday was :)
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